Stick With Me Here

So I’m leaving for work and Chuckweasel asks me, “What’s today’s blog about?” “Cause he’s so cute and supportive of my nonsense.  And I told him I wasn’t sure, ’cause I really didn’t have anything in the ol’ cooker… until I got in the car. 

Since I go in to work at Oh-Dark-30, I get to listen to Coast to Coast with George Noory on the radio — which is a show for insomniacs and wackos and insomniac wackos.  It’s got everything from aliens to the Illuminati, and today’s guest was a guy who wants to cut out the “middle man” in economics — like so instead of you selling tomatoes to WalMart and then them selling them to me, you just sell them to me and fuck Walmart, fuck them right in the ear.  And given my recent decision to acquire a horsie so as to fuck Exxon, I figured this bore some further thought.

Now, money is basically a made up concept anyway, so I think the key here is to not have money anymore.  We only really need money because of businesses, because they don’t have room to store all the chickens and goats and what have you if we were just trading.  Like my job — people could listen to me on the radio, and if they liked it, they could drop off a basket of eggs or a wheel of cheese.  And then if I already had enough eggs, I could trade them to someone else for a loaf of bread, and Bob’s your uncle — omelet and toast. 

I just don’t know if we can get everybody to agree to this, especially companies like credit cards, which really can’t exist without the concept of money, and will not accept payments in chickens (WTF, Visa?).  And it’s pretty much something EVERYBODY has to do, or else we’re all going to switch to the Chickens-Currency-Standard and then someone like China who we owe a bazillion dollars to is not gonna wanna take chickens and then there’s a war.  Also, I guess we’ll need to figure out the exchange rate, but really I think we can all just handle that amongst ourselves… like I will give you a ride on my horsie in exchange for you cooking me a hot dinner, and you will take the ride over to your friend’s house to drop off the sack of beans you owe him from poker night.  See?  GENIUS.

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17 Comments

Filed under GENIUS!, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, SCIENCE!

17 responses to “Stick With Me Here

  1. Let me know if we’re switching over to the chicken currency thing. I’ll need to know how much chocolate I can get for one chicken. I take that back. I want the chicken that lays the Cadbury eggs.

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  2. The only issues I see with the whole chicken as currency thing are:
    1. I’ll need a bigger purse. And I don’t even carry a purse.
    2. Our “money” will need to be fed. Unless I just start bartering with cutlets.

    Actually, chicken cutlets solves both issues. Never mind.

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  3. What about the people living in apartment complexes without room for chickens???

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    • hmmm… I also live in an apartment, but I was just going to let them wander around the living room… Maybe we could set up Chicken Banks where people with big yards could store chickens for a percentage of the eggs?

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  4. Dear Sweet Mama

    I am afraid I would become too attached to my chickens – I could only trade them if you promised not to eat them. Hmmm, obviously, I will need to trade something else. How about tomatoes? That seems to be the only thing the concubine can grow in any abundance – how many tomatoes would you need to give me a ready made hamburger, cause I also don’t like to think of the killing of the beef part either. Only the eating of same magical meat that just appears and has no blood attached to it.

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    • You can trade anything somebody else wants — that’s the beauty of my plan! And I’m sure somebody could give you a hamburger — as I understand it, cows can be assholes, so the people dealing with them won’t mind chopping them up. The tomato-to-hamburger exchange rate probably depends on how much of an asshole the cow was.

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  5. I have consulted with Oliver and he is willing to exchange purr therapy, to non-icky people, for tuna or chicken. When this conversion goes through I may be able to quit my job and manage Obi’s modeling career full time.

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  6. Remember, as Obi’s agent, you are entitled to a percentage of the tuna and/or chicken received for modeling gigs. And I think we could describe you as Oliver’s “receptionist,” so he’d have to pay you, too.

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  7. Ahh that would make my cash-flow issue so much easier to handle. I’d just bake everyone some cakes and then there would be no debt anywhere. I do wish I could trade my stuff for someone’s hand-made patchwork quilt I miss the bartering days. I think the problem is that everything is now so readily available at the push of a button or at supermarkets and in such high volume you can just hand over money and get everything rather than having to source or trade for it. Running my own business I like money but if it wasn’t an issue any more I’d just open my own library and people could lend me stuff until they bring my books back. Perfect.

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  8. It’s not the money that’s evil…just that some stuff costs too much. I think everything should cost $5. $5 footlong? yep. $5 BMW? yep. $5 trip to Fiji? yep. Life is beautiful.

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  9. If only I could use dog hair as currency…

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