Much like the rat from Charlotte’s Web taught us that the fair, it is a veritable smorgasbord-morgasbord-orgasbord, some really drunk guy at the bar this weekend told us that the bar is — and I quote — “a carnival ride of pussy.” Since I was the only female in the joint at the time, I guess I’m… flattered?
I also learned several other things working at the bar this weekend… including:
1. White people, God love us, TRULY cannot dance. But we do try, bless our pea-pickin’ little hearts… and black people are kind about it.
2. No matter how many songs you have in your playlist, drunks can think of something different. They don’t know who sings it, what it’s called, or how it goes… but dammit, they wanna hear it!
3. One should never wear a t-shirt that carries a slogan that one cannot back up. Example: If your t-shirt says “I get more pussy than a toilet seat,” I should not look at you and be forced to assume you are a gynecologist.
4. Really thumping bass will keep you good and regular.
5. If you have really giant, terrifying boobs, you need to cover that shit up if you expect me to hear what you’re saying. Rather like a 13-year-old boy, it seems giant boobs make me go deaf.
5.a. Probably at least 1 person in a DJ team should NOT suffer from tit-deafness. Woops.
5.b. Correction: In Chuckweasel’s case, it is apparently NOT tit-deafness, it’s just regular deafness. Therefore, in addition to my duties as Dance Commander and Request Taker, I am also the Official Listener.
6. Chuckweasel is also not very fluent in Drunkenese (I blame his childhood). So my new Indian name is Speaker-to-Winos.
7. Sequins are sharper than they look.
8. Drunk girls will CONSTANTLY put their tit on you. And they don’t really seem to notice it, so there’s no polite way to free yourself.
9. When I see chubby GIRLS with attractive Significant Others, I assume they must have other valuable qualities. When I see a chubby DUDE with an entourage of hot chicks… I assume he has money.
10. When a bartender asks you to try a drink he just invented — that shit’s gonna fuck you up.
AND BONUS: When you are wearing a party dress in the 7-11 at almost 3 in the morning… Neighborhood Watch will think you’re a hooker.
So, it turns out for once, Dear Sweet Mama was wrong — Hanging out in bars all night IS very educational! : )