Just some thoughts that occurred to me before the complete worthlessness of the Steelers’ football-playing abilities put me into a protective coma so I wouldn’t have to see that… seriously, when a PANTHERS fan tells you you suck, you really do.
1. Not too shabby when you can’t come to accept your humanitarian of the year award because you’re VISITING THE MOTHERFUCKING SOLDIERS IN IRAQ! You know those other 2 guys just went, “Well, fuck me.”
2. Who let Dubya out? Isn’t he still grounded?
3. Yes, I am that geek who stands up while the National Anthem is on the TV… OHMYDAMN, bitch forgot the words!
4. I motherfucking HATE pre-game. Hell is probably just endless pre-game for a game that never happens… and Michael Douglas is there to read his debate team speech.
5. CUT YO’ DAMN HAIR! You are NOT Troy Polamalu!
6. Why can’t Green Bay ever have a quarterback whose last name is pronounced the way it’s spelled?
7. GODDAMNIT PITTSBURGH! Oh, fuck it, scoring isn’t important… and neither is fumble recovery YOU DICKS!
8. And why not go ahead and give Green Bay the first down, after all, it’s their birthday. Seriously, Steelers? THIS is what you brought today?
9. Judging from these movie trailers… both Harrison Ford and Shia The Beef must have bad gambling debts they need to cover.
10. John Travolta is really starting to look like an old lesbian.
The funniest thing that happened before I was knocked unconcious by my rage was that fucking Chuckweasel had hit “pause” and then forgot about it — so when I called to bemoan the Packers’ second unanswered TD, he accused me of counting the instant replay as another score. I said, “What are you talking about? Are you on a delay?” and he went, “Oh, yeah, I paused it.” So I gave Chuckweasel a message from the MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE, y’all. He owes me $3.99 a minute.
P.S. I was going to defend poor Christina Aguilera by saying she’s not from this country, but she is… so then I was gonna say performing in front of a live audience is very nerve-wracking, but that’s what she does for a living… so I’m just going to say this: It’s a damn good thing she’s so pretty.