So it’s snowing here in Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny — snowing like ten bitches on a bitch-boat, to be exact. And this is really pissing off all the stupid people who think meteorologists have a Bat-phone to God or something and can tell you down to the minute when weather’s going to happen. So, this week, they predicted it for yesterday and it hit us today. It’s SCIENCE, people, not MAGIC! Give the poor folks a break!
I tell you right flat now, that is a job I simply Would. Not. Have. I was what they call a “weather anchor” (read T-and-A without a degree) for a very brief stint a long while ago, and Dear Sweet Mama always thought I should be a meteorologist so she could play with the hurricane models (yeah, she loves that shit) but lemme tell ya, it ain’t never gonna happen. Those people are motherfucking SAINTS and I don’t have it in me not to just snap and go on the TV and say “Open a fucking window, you jackholes.”
Case in Point: I was working in TV news when the big tsunami happened (yes, I actually did used to do something even more bloodthirsty and voyeuristic than what I do now). And the bosses kept chasing after our meteorologist, telling him to put together some “models” of the “storm.” And he keeps telling them over and over that tsunamis are GEOLOGICAL events, just like earthquakes, and have nothing to do with the weather, but they just can’t grasp it. Add that to the fact that everyone in management thought it was pronounced “toot-sommy,” and if it had been me, I’d STILL be in jail.
I mean, I have been known to get into screaming fights with the idiots who say “Look, it’s snowing. So much for global warming.” I swear, if I ever get a pile of money, I’m going to buy caseloads of “The Day After Tomorrow” DVDs and just pass them out to those people. Then I’ll pat them on the head and tell them to run along while the grownups are talking. Because one should always show kindness and compassion to the intellectually challenged and hold their hands while they cross the street.