Do As I Say…

I know we’re probably late to this particular party here in Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny, but I just saw a commercial for a barber shop that offers haircuts, massages (real ones, not nudge-nudge wink-wink ones), hot towels… and free beer.

May I simply say:  This has GOT to be a man’s idea.  All women everywhere know from painful experience that you do NOT fuck with your hair while drunk.

After all, drunk is what led most of us down the rocky roads of home perms, bad dye jobs and the dreaded do-it-yourself bangs.  Drunk has also led to such atrocities as Taco Bell’s new burrito that has Frito corn chips in it (seriously, guys?  Are you even TRYING anymore?), the KFC Dinner Bowls, and, while we’re at it, the fucking Double Down.  SOBER PEOPLE KNOW BETTER!

So, in the interest of SCIENCE! (of the rare variety that uses no stick), I hereby present to you TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE DRUNK. Do as I say, not as I have, regrettably, done…

1.  Do NOT do ANYTHING to your hair.  Ever.  That “washes out in X number of washes” jive seems like a LOT shorter time when you’re hammered.  And yes, cutting hair IS that hard, that’s why we pay people to do it.

2.  For that matter, let’s leave all the personal grooming alone until morning.  Your eyebrows are fine, your legs don’t need shaved, and for the love of all that’s holy, STEP AWAY FROM THE NAIR!  A red, blistery “private area” doesn’t whisper “S-E-X,” it hollers “S-T-D.”  And as Dear Sweet Mama can attest, you don’t even need to be drunk to have hot wax turn on you… just distracted.

3.  Do NOT order things off the TV.  The Post Office Lady will give you the pity-look if you have to return a Bowflex and a Red Devil Grill AT THE SAME TIME.

4.  Do NOT watch any show or read any book that has a continuing storyline.  You will forget what THEY did even faster than you forgot where your pants were at the office Christmas party.

5.  Oh, yeah, don’t go to office parties.  They usually lead in only one direction — to the unemployment office.

6.  Of course you won’t be driving, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TAKEN TO WALMART! Two reasons: 1) They will not let you ride the bikes.  I know you want to, they know you want to, but they ain’t a-gonna let you. 2) Do they make an entire collection of PEZ dispensers in the shape of the characters from the original series of Star Trek?  Yes.  Do you need to spend $49.95 on it?  No, Hoody, put it back.

7.  Don’t go to another bar to “shoot pool and sober up.”  Bars will almost always charge you to play pool UNLESS YOU’RE DRINKING… and your drunk-ass brain will not be able to see the problem in this plan.

8.  In the same vein, never go to a bar that’s not very busy unless you want to get fuuuuuuucked uuuuuuppp.  Chuckweasel and I learned this one the hard way when we went to a bar after a baseball game… and every time we went up to order another beer, the bartender gave us free Jello shots ’cause they weren’t selling.

9.  Don’t reach out to touch something without looking to see what it is.

10.  Don’t smell any “perfume” just because the cute bar girl tells you to.

Basically, Non-Stick SCIENCE! has concluded it is very dangerous to drink without a helper.  Therefore, everyone just come on over here, we’ll have box wine and bucket margaritas.  Everyone must surrender their keys, cell phones and credit cards upon arrival — Callie Jean will decide when we can have them back.

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16 Comments

Filed under Calpurnia Jean, I'm Confused, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, SCIENCE!, WTF???

16 responses to “Do As I Say…

  1. Great list! I’m going to tape this to my friend’s refrigerator. Or put it in his wallet. Maybe both.

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  2. Drinking alone is alcoholism, drinking with friends is perfectly le-git. When I used to work in sales and was having a bad day I’d wander into a bar at the end of my shift for a sob into my cocktail drink. I always made sure to pick a single guy at the bar (I’ve had a bad day I’m not dealing with your girlfriends tantrums) and made him sit with me so I didn’t look like an alcoholic. I also explained the “rules of drinking” to him while he enjoyed my stellar company 🙂 listened while he told me as was pretty and let him feed my ego until I was healed and ready to go home again. Cheaper than therapy and gives you a better buzz too.

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    • I don’t think it counts as “drinking with friends” if you only just now made the friend so you wouldn’t be drinking alone, I think you’re trying to pull a fast one! But if we both get drunk while reading each other’s posts, then we’re not TECHNICALLY drinking alone… and does it count if there’s another person there who is NOT drinking? that’s how I get out of it.

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  3. I have done every single one of the items on that list, multiple times in some cases. You need to add “never accept a marriage proposal” to it.
    However, all those occasions are now future blog posts. So there’s an upside, sort of. A little.
    And fyi, you can order vibrators off those sweet little Stuff For Busy Housewives type mini-catalogs and they come wrapped up like a respectable spatula. I’m just sayin’. The PO lady need never know.
    Unless it kicks on mid-shipment. Then you got some ‘splainin’ to do.

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    • I have a little bit of a problem with marriage proposals drunk OR sober — I have been known to say yes just to be polite and then not know quite how to get out of it (luckily if you act like a big enough bitch all the time, they tend to leave on their own!) And the vibrator-kicking-on-in-the-mail thing is one of my biggest fears… that or in your luggage at the airport!

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  4. I waxed my eyebrows once, okay a few times, drunk and have been “Surprised Girl”, “Sad Girl”, and “Chemo Girl” before.

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    • I’m too chicken to wax myself, so I let the salon girl do it, but I have also been “Surprised Girl” after plucking out a few strays that only looked like strays because I was hammered. I should probably get a little safe to lock things like tweezers and credit cards in when I drink!

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  5. I’m no longer allowed in Olive Garden when I drink.

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    • is this a family and friends decision or is it official Olive Garden policy? ‘Cause if you made a nationwide restaurant chain make a rule about you, that’s pretty fucking spectacular!

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  6. It is really amazing, what you have written. Congratulations.

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  7. Emma Buktenica

    I found the Star Trek Pez collection in the discount bin at Fred Meyer for $15.25. Since I’m the girl with a Spock tattoo on my calf, I HAD to have it. Get to the checkout, and it turns out that Pez is covered by my food stamps. WTF? So I pretty much got that shit for free. Thanks, government!

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