I know we’re probably late to this particular party here in Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny, but I just saw a commercial for a barber shop that offers haircuts, massages (real ones, not nudge-nudge wink-wink ones), hot towels… and free beer.
May I simply say: This has GOT to be a man’s idea. All women everywhere know from painful experience that you do NOT fuck with your hair while drunk.
After all, drunk is what led most of us down the rocky roads of home perms, bad dye jobs and the dreaded do-it-yourself bangs. Drunk has also led to such atrocities as Taco Bell’s new burrito that has Frito corn chips in it (seriously, guys? Are you even TRYING anymore?), the KFC Dinner Bowls, and, while we’re at it, the fucking Double Down. SOBER PEOPLE KNOW BETTER!
So, in the interest of SCIENCE! (of the rare variety that uses no stick), I hereby present to you TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHILE DRUNK. Do as I say, not as I have, regrettably, done…
1. Do NOT do ANYTHING to your hair. Ever. That “washes out in X number of washes” jive seems like a LOT shorter time when you’re hammered. And yes, cutting hair IS that hard, that’s why we pay people to do it.
2. For that matter, let’s leave all the personal grooming alone until morning. Your eyebrows are fine, your legs don’t need shaved, and for the love of all that’s holy, STEP AWAY FROM THE NAIR! A red, blistery “private area” doesn’t whisper “S-E-X,” it hollers “S-T-D.” And as Dear Sweet Mama can attest, you don’t even need to be drunk to have hot wax turn on you… just distracted.
3. Do NOT order things off the TV. The Post Office Lady will give you the pity-look if you have to return a Bowflex and a Red Devil Grill AT THE SAME TIME.
4. Do NOT watch any show or read any book that has a continuing storyline. You will forget what THEY did even faster than you forgot where your pants were at the office Christmas party.
5. Oh, yeah, don’t go to office parties. They usually lead in only one direction — to the unemployment office.
6. Of course you won’t be driving, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TAKEN TO WALMART! Two reasons: 1) They will not let you ride the bikes. I know you want to, they know you want to, but they ain’t a-gonna let you. 2) Do they make an entire collection of PEZ dispensers in the shape of the characters from the original series of Star Trek? Yes. Do you need to spend $49.95 on it? No, Hoody, put it back.
7. Don’t go to another bar to “shoot pool and sober up.” Bars will almost always charge you to play pool UNLESS YOU’RE DRINKING… and your drunk-ass brain will not be able to see the problem in this plan.
8. In the same vein, never go to a bar that’s not very busy unless you want to get fuuuuuuucked uuuuuuppp. Chuckweasel and I learned this one the hard way when we went to a bar after a baseball game… and every time we went up to order another beer, the bartender gave us free Jello shots ’cause they weren’t selling.
9. Don’t reach out to touch something without looking to see what it is.
10. Don’t smell any “perfume” just because the cute bar girl tells you to.
Basically, Non-Stick SCIENCE! has concluded it is very dangerous to drink without a helper. Therefore, everyone just come on over here, we’ll have box wine and bucket margaritas. Everyone must surrender their keys, cell phones and credit cards upon arrival — Callie Jean will decide when we can have them back.