Do What Now?

One of the many Hats of HoodyHoo involves being live on the radio on a country music station.  Now, I am what you might call “not a fan” of most of that genre, but hey, if Kenny Chesney’s buying my hot dinners, so be it.  The point is, I have to listen for my time cues, which ends up as me listening to WAY more of this shit-kicking-crap musical style than anyone-should-have-to I would prefer.

I amuse myself by mocking the lyrics — for instance, there is a song that goes, “If Heaven was a pie, it would be cherry.”  So I have expanded this theme to include “If Heaven was a chair, it would be La-Z-Boy, “If Heaven was a pizza, it would be deep-dish,” and of course, “If Heaven was a snack, it would be Munchos.”  Another song, “We’re a Team, Me n’ God,” makes me wonder what sport we play (it’s tennis, right?  It’s pretty much gotta be tennis…) and what our record is.  This is what happens when you make a philosophy minor listen to country.

But there’s a song now that’s pissing me right the fuck off.  It’s called “If I Die Young,” and I. Have. ISSUES.  Let’s break down the lyrics. shall we? (my comments will be in bold):

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses (gosh, emo much?)
Sink me in the river (isn’t that illegal?) at dawn (oh, okay, so no one will see)
Send me away with the words of a love song

(So far, it’s insipid and annoying, but hey, teen angst DOES sell… Let’s move on.)

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors (whoever said high school yearbook poetry wouldn’t make ya famous?)
Oh, and life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even gray, but she buries her baby (still emo)

The sharp knife of a short life (are you in your room cutting yourself again?)
Well, I’ve had just enough time (wait, what?)

<creepy chorus again>

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom (ah, the obligatory reference to let us know you’re a good little church-goer)
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger (and here’s the virginity thing)
I’ve never known the loving of a man (see?)
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand (and now you’re dead, probably shoulda nailed him)

There’s a boy here in town, says he’ll love me forever (he’s lying)
Who would have thought forever could be severed (nice rhyme) by
The sharp knife of a short life (here we go with this again… and besides, it was either that or a cheerleader who puts out)
Well, I’ve had just enough time

(And here, ladies and gentlemen… HERE is where it gets TRULY fucked up)

So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done (oooh, you’re deep)

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner (DUDE! Not cool!)
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singing (really, you need to stop this…)
Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening (DUDE!  SERIOUSLY???)

There’s some more of the creepy-ass chorus and such, but I think you get the point:  Somebody needs to call a fucking hotline.  This is basically a musical suicide note and it plays all the fucking time. Now, your 2 Live Crew gets blamed for encouraging violence and druggery, your heavy metal dudes get SUED every time some kid offs himself because of some message you have to play the record BACKWARDS to hear… but these yay-hoos can flat-out tell sad, angst-y teens that people will only listen to them AFTER THEY’RE DEAD and this is perfectly FINE?  No wonder rock stars do some many drugs… it’s the only way to make this shit make sense.

End of rant.



Filed under I'm Confused, Just Call Me Beavis, La Vida Loca, WTF???

19 responses to “Do What Now?

  1. oh my GOD that is dark how has that not been censored? Gees! Definite musical suicide note.

    Here’s the bit I thought was stupid(well the most stupid)
    “Lay me down on a bed of roses
    Sink me in the river at dawn”
    Erm..what like at the same time? Where am I going to get the bed from to throw in the lake to cover with roses to put you on it to then jump up and down on it till it sinks? Stupid lack of instructions to the suicide note!

    You make a much better country writer. It sounds like you could release a song and get it played (since you’re on the inside “whoops where did this CD come from” *innocent look*) and then you can be rich and famous, it doesn’t matter what lyrics you write but if you could slip some subliminals in that’d be awesome!
    P.s. I’m now off to youtube this song to hear it’s terribleness in surround sound.


    • Okay I have to comment again after watching the video I mean OMG what trash! I sing at least as good as she does and MY songs aren’t crazy ass. Hers would maybe have been good if it wasn’t about dying young it seems like she doesn’t have the emotional reach to know what death is really like for people she’s all dance with the sugar plum fairy and eat some chocolate everything is happy and shiny. The stupidest part of the video is when they push her boat?? out into the lake and she’s laid on it asleep/dead/singing while clutching a green book, a book with 3 inch high title of “poems of Tennyson” just big enough for us to read and in case you miss it the first time that piece of footage is used over, and over, like we had to get that she was all emo and well educated and cause that just makes a “statement” Stupid utter tripe.


      • SEE WHY I HATE THIS SONG???? This is the sort of crap that the creepy kids would write in English class and get sent to the counselor’s office to “talk about their problems.” And now it gets you on the radio. GRRRRR.


  2. Wow…that is really dark. Who is that by? I need to know whose death to look for in the news.


  3. I’ve heard this song multiple times without actually listening to the lyrics, and this post made me laugh hysterically. Which, I’m pretty sure, is what’s going to happen the next time I hear the song. Hopefully not in public, as that might not send the best message!


    • when I very first heard it, I had on my headset, and I kept saying “what the fuck? what the fuck?” even more than usual until Chuckweasel thought I was crazy (even more than usual). Now I just bitch whenever the “Dead Girl Song” comes on.


  4. Okay, so I kind of love the tune of this song. But we definitely could have found something happier to put to it. Like…she could be making love in that bed of roses, or getting a kitten, or finding out that her dream job has a starting wage of $85,000 or something.


    • it IS a disturbingly upbeat kind of tune to use for a song about how everyone will be sorry when you’re dead. I think most of us wrote similar tunes when we were 7, probably while grounded in our rooms with no TV.


  5. WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the hell ever happened to singing about prison, cheatin’ lovers, trains, and dogs?


  6. Barry

    THAT AIN’T COUNTRY!! Thank God. Have you see those guys? The Band Perry. They give that “musical style” a bad name.


    • and what kind of name is that??? I can’t bring myself to watch the video ’cause I’m afraid the singer’s gonna look like Taylor Swift and she makes me want to punch her in the neck


  7. infernoglassbeads

    I play a similar game with the Bruno Mars song where he whines about all the stupid crap he’d do for his undeserving girlfriend…my version is more like, “I’d jab a sharp stick in my eye for ya, drink a bottle of lye for ya…”

    Now I’m thinking I need help.


    • there is actually a country song (I know, but I do get PAID to listen) where the singer goes “I’ll pray for you” and then lists all the horrible shit he’s going to pray will happen to his ex. So country CAN be cool… if you add voodoo.


  8. Jan

    I hate that song too. I always thought that it was inspired (if you could call it that) by “Twilight.” Didn’t the stupid chick try to kill herself when the scuzball blood sucker left her? Of something like that.


    • I try not to know anything about “Twilight” ’cause I don’t like to encourage them and I can’t watch the movies or even the trailers ’cause that actress and that pouty-puss she always has on her face makes me want to kick her in the crotch. I love “True Blood” as much as the next gal, but this vampire shit may be going too far…


  9. Pingback: BWAH-HAH-HAH! | hoodyhoo

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