I know you’ve all been sitting there, all of you, thinking “I wonder, oh how I wonder, is HoodyHoo watching that new ‘My Secret Addiction’ show?” Rest assured, my darlings. Of course she is. And here is what she thinks so far:
As we all know, I am hideously filled with snot and unable to function, so I thought I’d make myself feel better by laughing at the trials and tribulations of others (like ya do). So I went to the trusty old DVR and pulled up the latest episodes of “My Secret Addiction.” They were “Hair-Eating Girl and Strongman Dude” and “Tasty Detergent Chick and Too Many Shoes Ho.” So, by the numbers:
1) Hair-Eating Girl: Sheee-yit. Damn, girl, you crazy AND gross. You’re like the human-being version of Arby’s.
2) Strongman Dude: I don’t know if going to a lot of weightlifting competitions makes you an addict or just a douche. I’m leaning towards douche, though, and you can’t be addicted to being a douche. And you keep getting hurt, but you still keep doing it, so you’re a STUPID douche. Fucking address that.
3) Detergent Chick: Seriously? You’re eating Tide? And now you don’t understand why your family and friends want you to stop? I hate to tell you, this may be Darwin’s problem…
4) Shoe Ho: Oh, you stupid, stupid girl. I was all up on your side and shit, making excuses for you TALKING TO YOUR SHOES with your cute little Hispanic accent… and you totally fucking blew it when you kept making a big point out of the fact that you wear a size 5. Fuck you, you tiny-footed tramp. Your shoes called and told me they hate you.
So yeah, I’m watching the hell out of this show, of course I am. It falls into the category of “Shit That Makes Me Look Normal” and we all know there ain’t a lot of that! I spent the rest of the evening watching “Intervention” and a bunch of hoarding shows — I especially like it when they swear and cuss at the people trying to help them in true white-trash fashion!
Now, some updates:
Callie Jean: Still farty.
Chuckweasel: Still fired.
Dear Sweet Mama: Still insane… and jealous of my steak sandwich!
Redneck Hillfolk Neighbors: Still jobless.
My Own Self: Still snotty and nauseous, but feeling better thanks to the judicious application of a steak sandwich and a plate of fried mushrooms with honey mustard sauce… all washed down with Dramamine and ginger ale. Also, have learned about myself that prison bitches are kiiiiiiinda hot… and I wanna be on “Beyond Scared Straight” so I can yell at teenagers. That seems like a good perk.
That’s all for now, my darlings. Back to making trombone noises with my nostrils! (Sexy, no?).