Sympathy for NO ONE!

I know you’ve all been sitting there, all of you, thinking “I wonder, oh how I wonder, is HoodyHoo watching that new ‘My Secret Addiction’ show?”  Rest assured, my darlings.  Of course she is.  And here is what she thinks so far:

As we all know, I am hideously filled with snot and unable to function, so I thought I’d make myself feel better by laughing at the trials and tribulations of others (like ya do).  So I went to the trusty old DVR and pulled up the latest episodes of “My Secret Addiction.”  They were “Hair-Eating Girl and Strongman Dude” and “Tasty Detergent Chick and Too Many Shoes Ho.”  So, by the numbers:

1) Hair-Eating Girl:  Sheee-yit.  Damn, girl, you crazy AND gross.  You’re like the human-being version of Arby’s.

2) Strongman Dude:  I don’t know if going to a lot of weightlifting competitions makes you an addict or just a douche.  I’m leaning towards douche, though, and you can’t be addicted to being a douche.  And you keep getting hurt, but you still keep doing it, so you’re a STUPID douche.  Fucking address that.

3) Detergent Chick:  Seriously?  You’re eating Tide?  And now you don’t understand why your family and friends want you to stop?  I hate to tell you, this may be Darwin’s problem…

4)  Shoe Ho:  Oh, you stupid, stupid girl.  I was all up on your side and shit, making excuses for you TALKING TO YOUR SHOES with your cute little Hispanic accent… and you totally fucking blew it when you kept making a big point out of the fact that you wear a size 5.  Fuck you, you tiny-footed tramp.  Your shoes called and told me they hate you.

So yeah, I’m watching the hell out of this show, of course I am.  It falls into the category of “Shit That Makes Me Look Normal” and we all know there ain’t a lot of that!  I spent the rest of the evening watching “Intervention” and a bunch of hoarding shows — I especially like it when they swear and cuss at the people trying to help them in true white-trash fashion!

Now, some updates:

Callie Jean:  Still farty.

Chuckweasel:  Still fired.

Dear Sweet Mama:  Still insane… and jealous of my steak sandwich!

Redneck Hillfolk Neighbors:  Still jobless.

My Own Self:  Still snotty and nauseous, but feeling better thanks to the judicious application of a steak sandwich and a plate of fried mushrooms with honey mustard sauce… all washed down with Dramamine and ginger ale.  Also, have learned about myself that prison bitches are kiiiiiiinda hot… and I wanna be on “Beyond Scared Straight” so I can yell at teenagers.  That seems like a good perk.

That’s all for now, my darlings.  Back to making trombone noises with my nostrils! (Sexy, no?).

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12 Comments

Filed under My Secret Shame(s), Random Thoughts, Weep for Humanity, WTF???

12 responses to “Sympathy for NO ONE!

  1. I haven’t watched it yet. I’m a very busy person, I can barely shoehorn (shoewhore? HA! I made the funny!) Jersey Shore into my trash-watching schedule.
    Btw, I said that “Busy person” in the Ralphie from Christmas Story voice, when he’s in line to see Santa. Just so you get the full effect and all.

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  2. I hope you feel better soon! My roomie was sick for 2 weeks…when I started getting her cold, I started popping Echinea…I was sick for 2 days.

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    • I’ve been fighting this for like a month… just that “I think I’m getting sick” feeling and then it goes away. Hopefully now that the snot is here it will run its course and be done with… until then, steak sandwiches seem do do the trick!

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  3. Jena

    I had to comment on #4. That was fucking hysterical! TY for the LOL. I followed you from FMFM/Laura’s

    Jena

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  4. Women with tiny feet need to pushed over. Repeatedly.

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  5. Dear Sweet Mama

    I caan’t even watch the commercials for that show. But I do love hoarders – it helps me feel better about my life as well. Even animal hoarders, though I no longer qualify since I am down to 1 dog, 1 cat and 2 fish. Sigh. If you really loved your Dear Sweet Mama, you would run up this weekend with a pubwich for me.

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    • Animal hoarders breaks my heart, ’cause they ALWAYS have at least 10 dead cats hidden about the place — HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT??? And why don’t you come down here and GET you a pubwich… and stop on the way and get me some of those good Reubens?

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  6. Jamie

    I can’t believe you just wrote about this…they seemed to be having a marathon of it this weekend and I watched them all…I almost mass texted all my friends to share my new found gem of a program. Nothing can make you feel more “I’ve got my shit together bitch” then watching a bunch of whackadoos who EAT toxic chemicals and TALK to inanimate objects. And I wear a size 8…I picked right up on miss “my mom bound my feet as a child”‘s comments too.

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