Ugh… waily, waily… I have finally gotten the cold I have been thinking was coming for awhile now, my head is full of snot and I’m too nauseous to talk (which is very bad when you’re on the radio).
But just because I feel like shit on a Triscuit is no reason not to share the latest episode of “C’est Vrai, You Suck.” Here ’tis:
POSITION THE FIRST: The word “law” is pronounced “lah,” therefore the word “lawyer” is pronounced “lah-yer.”
POSITION THE SECOND: Everyone on the planet with the exception of one who shall remain nameless (but his name rhymes with Buck-feazel) says “loy-yer,” even the people on the law shows on TV, and TV is always right.
REBUTTAL: But they don’t practice “loy”, they practice “lah.” So it’s “lah-yer.”
RE-REBUTTAL: But NO ONE but you says that! Even people who practice “lah” say “loy-yer!” It’s how it’s said!
BEING-A-BUTTAL: And while we’re on the subject, it’s “toooor-nuh-ment,” not “ter-nuh-ment.” Bon Jovi does not go on “ter.”
KISS-MY-BUTTAL: Fine, I’m saying “attorney” and “competition” from now on, so you can bite me. I will never say those other words again. But you ARE wrong.
SHOWS-HIS-BUTTAL: And those aren’t the only words you say wrong. You also can’t say “Chelyan” and I think you put 2 syllables in one-syllable words.
KICKING-BUTTAL: Well, I think you say one-syllable words weird because you pronounce long-A’s as though they were soft E’s. So I get the “mail” and you get the “mell.” It’s weird. And I say “Chelyan” the exact same way you do, I don’t hear a difference.
These are the kind of arguments you have in a relationship where both of you talk for a living. But I’m right. ALWAYS.
PS — Thanks to Noa for sending folks over here to peek in the window at my crazy monkey brain. Feeding times are whenever I feel like it and poo-throwing is generally encouraged. Poo-AIMING, however, is frowned upon.