“Civilization,” My Aunt Fanny!

Has it occurred to y’all that we are all just a flick of a switch away from reading by candlelight and pooping in a bucket?  I mean, seriously, think about it.

Living as I do in Wes’ BYGAWD Virginny where the water system is so old most of the pipes still say “CLAVDIVS FABRICAT,” I am fairly used to not actually DRINKING the drinking water, because only a fool would do that.  I do, however, like to USE the water, and this is where the water company and I disagree.  See, they like to turn off the water — A LOT — while they quote-unquote “fix” things… yeah, whatever.  The upshot is, they turn off our water service whenever they damn well feel like it.

Now, here’s a lesson, kiddies:  A toilet ceases to be a modern convenience when there is no running water.  It then becomes a bucket.  That you poop in.  And then keep for later.  Nice.

It may come as a surprise, I’m not the world’s most patient person.  I’m more likely to think that “Patience” is a good name for your Amish baby (that you bought at http://www.getyouanamishbaby.com — for God’s sake don’t try that address!).  Anyhoo, the upshot is that every time the water guys decide to “fix” things, I’m on the phone in a New York minute, bitching… uh, inquiring as to when they’ll be done.  Last time, on about the third call in 3 hours, they actually told me the crews were backed up because they were in a meeting!  They TOOK OUR SHIT APART and then went to a MEETING!  While we sat in our homes with buckets of our own poop!  What is this, fucking Uganda?

On a related subject, our power company… how to say this… “encourages its customers to be self-sufficient.”  In other words, if it rains, snows, gets windy, or somebody looks at the lines funny, that shit’s going off.  My eyesight isn’t the greatest to begin with — do I REALLY need to be reading by fucking candlelight like Sir Issac Fucking Newton?  And don’t even suggest I shouldn’t read — we’ve already established I’m not allowed to play cards!

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4 Comments

Filed under Calpurnia Jean, La Vida Loca, Random Thoughts, Reality Bites, SCIENCE!

4 responses to ““Civilization,” My Aunt Fanny!

  1. Ugh that sucks here they don’t seem to turn the water off they just leave it on while they work we all near die of cholera and then they are all “oops my bad” about it and let us claim compensation….that’s if you can drag your cholera infected asses to their compensation neighbourhood van…which given that you have cholera and are dying and that they are in a van with wheels and the ability to drive away if you get near is a bit of an impossibility.

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  2. Dear Sweet Mama

    Being raised, as you were, for the impending ‘pocalypse, you should be totally prepared to poop in a bucket (lined with a plastic bag, so you can zipline it off into the trees for “disposal” or “protection”. And what have you done with my Coleman lantern? I thought your father and I – also known as Mr. & Mrs. Rotate Your Canned Goods, had done a better job. Don’t come dragging your I need toilet paper and food ass up here when the Armaggedon strikes, little missy. Unless you happen to have a rifle or a bow and arrow. Or some other useful skill. Love always, Dear Sweet Mama

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    • I am perfectly prepared to poop in a bucket AND wing it into the woods AFTER the ‘pocolypse! It is, however, FROWNED UPON to go winging bags of one’s poop around BEFORE the ‘pocolypse, that’s why those men keep coming to your house with a net! : ) And if I use the mantles for the Coleman lantern NOW, how will I see the zombies when they come?

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