1. The Smithfield Paula Deen ham should probably be controlled by the ATF — it’s that. fucking.good. I feel like I should send sympathy cards to every Jew, Muslim, Buddhist and vegetarian in the world — I’m so, so sorry you can’t eat this ham!
2. Ham is a preserved meat which means it’s full of nitrates, which have been linked to hyperactivity in human children.
3. Calpurnia Jean is very much like a human children in many respects.
4. Callie Jean will consume an amount of ham equal to or greater than the size of her head. She will then race up and down the hallway like a mad thing, making a noise like an entire herd of wildebeests, until she gets tired and passes out on Chuckweasel’s pillow with her big fat ham belly all pooched out. (This is the cat version of the meat-sweats).
5. This will not prevent her from going back and eating the rest of the ham scraps later. The phenomenon is known as “Hamnesia,” which is a syndrome in which you forget you just ate your own weight in ham a little while ago. Not to be confused with “Wham!nesia,” in which you forget the crappy music you used to like.
6. A cat who has eaten a shitload of ham is not a cat you want sleeping on the pillow next to yours. Good. Lord.
7. Chuckweasel’s head may puff up like a blowfish next time he sleeps over due to the preponderance of not only cat hairs on, but also cat farts in, his pillow.
8. When this happens, I will fill him full of Benadryl and mess with him while he’s sleeping (not really, Chuckweasel!) (yes, probably really).
9. On the subject of Chuckweasel, he will eat the tasty Paula Deen ham to the exclusion of all side dishes, including the broccoli casserole I made at his request… but this is fine, because it means at some point I get to sit down and eat all of it straight out of the pan.
10. Asking me for the recipe for the broccoli casserole (hereafter to be known as “Broccoli Stuff” as in “Hey, can you make that broccoli stuff?”) will probably get the CDC or someone after me. It’s SOOOOO bad for you, but it tastes SOOOO GOOOOD you can ignore the sound of your arteries hardening.
And BONUS: After this, the annual New Year’s Eve Sushi-splosion will actually count as a healthy meal.