FACT: I love to eat.
FACT: I work a weird schedule.
FACT: I am lazy and cheap… uh, frugal.
What does all this mean? It means I loooooooove, with an affection most people reserve for their children, the stinky, greasy goodness that is fast food. However, like all relationships, this love affair has had its ups and downs… I give you:
FAST FOOD JOINTS THAT HAVE DONE PISSED ME OFF
1. Taco Bell
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the Bell, but they broke my heart when they quit making Tostadas. Especially since they still make other stuff that uses all the same ingredients that go into a Tostada, so I know they’ve got all that shit back there, so MAKE ME A TOSTADA! And while we’re at it, get the RICE out of my Taco Salad and start using green onions again! The recall was YEARS ago and you know you’re just not using them ’cause you’re cheap fuckers!
You motherfuckers had ONE really good thing you did — the Big Classic. But you had to go and stop making it and start all this other 9-patty nonsense instead. NOBODY FUCKING WANTS THAT!
You bastards are just toying with us. First, you create the world’s most perfect burger… the McDLT (if you don’t remember the McDLT, you’re probably too young to be reading this blog). But no, McDonald’s, you took the McDLT away from us, but then you gave us the McRib as a consolation. BUT THEN — you started all this “limited time only” “farewell-tour-no-not-really” BS just to screw with our heads! STOP IT!
You shouldn’t have changed the fat. The bad fat was what made the chicken good. ‘Nuff said.
You’re just gross. The only reason you exist is to remind me how sad I am that there aren’t no Rax no more.
6. Dairy Queen
What the hell, man? Every Dairy Queen I see has either lost its franchise (therefore making it a Dairy… Parliament?) or turned into an ice-cream-and-hot-dog-only joint. Where’s the damn burgers? I was counting on you to pick up the slack now that Wendy’s has shit the bed!
7. Boston Market and Popeye’s Fried Chicken
Fuck you, fuck you both right in the ear for showing your commercials in my area when I ain’t got one of your restaurants to go to. You too, Dave & Buster’s and Joe’s Crab Shack!
And on a related note… Papa John’s. Don’t stop selling that tasty-like-heroin Deep Dish pizza in my delivery area and then tell me there’s no demand for it! I demand for it! How many do I have to get per week to get that shit back?
<whew> I feel a little better now.