Here it is, y’all — I’m going to be filthy, stinky rich because I have figgered out the Best. Job. EVER.
I’m going to travel the country, knocking over old people… then selling them a Life-Alert on commission.
Really, it’s genius. See, I know several people in the 50 to 60 age group (which seems to be Life-Alert’s target demographic), and I wouldn’t say they’re extraordinarily PRONE to falling over. But the commercials would have you believe that your older Americans are droppin’ like fuckin’ ninepins.
So, here’s what I do, see? I go to the Kroger and I hang out near the prune juice and the Werther’s Originals (’cause that’s what old people eat, right?) and I wait for some old lady to reach up with her claw-grabber to snag a value pack. Then BAM! I hip check her ass into the cart full of dented canned goods and, while she’s laying in the floor screaming, my PARTNER comes up and says, “Gee, sure do wish you had a Life-Alert so you could get you some help.” SOLD AMERICAN!
P.S. Also, the step-in bathtub? That looks like a good way to either flood your bathtub or drown your granny. Just sayin’.
P.P.S. My dear sweet mama calls it the “Granny Crock Pot.” Want to drown your granny but you just don’t have the time? Pop her in the Granny Crock Pot before you leave for work and then just set it and forget it! Yeah, and you wonder why I’m like this…