I’m Blinding You with SCIENCE!

So the news is all a-twitter (not a-Twitter) with the discovery that sluttiness may be genetic (who’s sorry now, Mom?)… which makes this the perfect time to shock and awe you guys with my very own Scientific Theorem.

Question:  Is it ever possible to truly re-domesticate a Girl who has Gone Wild?

Hypothesis:  No.  She will always be at risk of doing inappropriate things for beads and/or taking her top off at Kroger.

Evidence #1:

If you have a girl pig in your barnyard and there are wild boars around, them boars will totally steal your pig.  And after she’s part of the “harem,” your pig will physically change to look more like a wild boar — more hair, tusks, etc..  And if you were to go and fetch your pig back, you could not turn her back into a regular pig.

Conclusion #1:  There is a line which, once crossed, can never be un-crossed.

Evidence #2:  If you take a bunch of foxes and try to breed them to be less aggressive (i.e., more domesticated), in a few generations they will begin to exhibit more dog-like physical traits (floppy ears, shorter snouts, etc.).  In essence, once you remove the “wild” component of their makeup, they are not really foxes anymore. (Thx to Mom for doing this “research” by watching the Discovery Channel.)

Conclusion #2:  Behavior is, to a certain extent, genetic.  Furthermore, the genes governing behavior also affect physical attributes.

Evidence #3:  A cow will sit quietly and chew her cud.  A steer (a gelded bull) will generally stay where you put him.  A bull wants to kill you.  Flat out.  Seriously, prove me wrong.

Conclusion #3:  Sex-based hormones affect both behavior and physical attributes.

FINAL CONCLUSION:  Girls who “Go Wild” are likely to be genetically predisposed to do so. The “Gone Wild Factor” (GWF) in their DNA is activated by the onset of puberty/sexual maturity OR by generous application of Jaegermeister.  Once opened, the door is never TRULY closed.

SUMMATION:  Stacy’s mom… has got it going on.


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8 Comments

Filed under SCIENCE!

8 responses to “I’m Blinding You with SCIENCE!

  1. This explains so much. I’m going to make my mom read it. (Of course, she’ll blame my behavior on my dad’s genes, like usual.)

    This also gives me license to stop censoring my behavior. My blog is about to get a lot better 😉

    Like

  2. Oh Holy Fucking Shit.

    This was simply delightful.

    Like

  3. Dear Sweet Mama

    Does this mean I get to blame my mom as well? I think the Catholic Church would relate it all back to Eve, anyway. And you better not be comparing me to a hairy ol’ wild pig except in the nicest way, of course. Love, yer momma

    Like

  4. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: Hoody Hoo « Oh Noa.

  5. A Person

    This is a great reason to never go wild in the first place. I’ll try to keep it in mind…*breaks into workout room then turns to wink at the security camera* …After high school.

    Like

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