How Many Times Do I Have to Say It?

GRRRRRRRRR.  I thought we had already established this:  OUTSIDE. SUCKS.  There is no reason to go there except to get from one place to another, and we won’t even have to do THAT once those lying scientific bastards build us a transporter!

I’m sure y’all can guess, we had another outdoor wedding reception this weekend.  In the cold.  And the rain.  IN A TENT.  Which was bad enough, until I heard this woman (who had brought her BABY to the chilly Death Tent) tell some other woman that the baby “had been sick.”  So I look at the kid, and I swear to Jeebus, I think it had the mumps.  Like, its face was all swole up or something.  DO PEOPLE EVEN GET MUMPS ANYMORE?  And WHY did you bring the little mumpy bastard out amongst people, anyway, much less to the chilly Death Tent?

Then we’re standing there, playing music and minding our own, when this woman comes up to Chuckweasel.  Apparently she had been going to sing a song at the reception, but she’s too sick.  So she says this to Chuckweasel AS SHE’S SHAKING HIS HAND!  Chuckweasel doesn’t even want ME to touch him when I’m sick, lady!  Keep them hands to yo’self!

I’ve been pounding oscillococcinum and Vitamin C ever since, but it’s coming, I feel it.  Luckily I didn’t get sick fast enough to ruin the Red Lobster Experience with Poor Ol’ Dad — Hoody woulda cut a bitch.

32 Comments

Filed under Chuckweasel, He's the DJ I'm the Rapper, La Vida Loca, Reality Bites, Weep for Humanity, White Man's Medicine, WTF???

32 responses to “How Many Times Do I Have to Say It?

  1. I’ve been in some death tents before. No fun. Anyway, I have an M.D. friend who told me the surest way to catch something someone else is by shaking hands. He said it is worse than a sneeze. Hell if I know.

    I hope you feel better.

    • I know, I thought EVERYONE knew, you don’t fucking touch strangers when you’re germ-filled! If he gets sick and whiny, I’m dropping him off at that bitch’s house!

  2. Weddings are bad enough as is, but having to sit outside in the heat or frigid cold makes me glad I have kids to use as an excuse not to attend.

  3. Jen

    First of all, sick or not, WHY DO PEOPLE BRING BABIES TO A FUCKING WEDDING!?!? Do they think everyone is salivating over their precious miracle or do they just want to show tangible proof that they’ve gotten laid? Babies are fucking annoying in normal situations, so why not dress them in uncomfortable clothing, force them to sit quietly for over an hour (good luck with that) and then subject their tympanic membranes to some douchewad DJ blasting “YMCA” at volume 11. AAAAARRGGGH!!!

    • Careful . . . Hoody and Chuck are the douchewad DJs here. Hopefully they are not playing YMCA.

      Also . . . still can’t comment!! When will the fixing of your freaking site commence woman?

      • we only play what we consider to be “crap” when it’s specifically requested… YMCA, the Electric Slide, etc. That way if the bride’s pissed off, it won’t be at US! And I figure if we deafen somebody’s precious little snowflake, that’s their own look-out for bringing a BABY to a PARTY!

  4. Try some Airborne. It is magical. I get sick all the damn time, and it works wonders. And no, I don’t go around shaking people’s hands or having my sicky baby infect people. Because I’m considerate and shit.

  5. I try not to touch strangers at all, handshake or otherwise.
    Unless there’s a substantial amount of money involved. Then negotiations begin. I think if I had to be out and social, I’d carry a huge bottle of Purel or some such shit, spray their hand as soon as it was offered.
    I doubt they’d bother me more than once. :)

    • I like it! I might bring this stuff I use to sanitize bottles and parts when I make beer. It would burn their eyes like pepper spray, too, so win/win.

      I hang out in circles where people you just met go in for a hug. *squirt**squirt**squirt** GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU’RE COVERED IN… IN… GERMS!!!

    • At dog adoptions, for puppies, we don’t let anyone touch them without sanitizing their hands because they haven’t had all their shots. Maybe that would work for people: “I haven’t gotten all my shots, could you Purel before we shake hands?” I think that could work.

      • well, shit, I can’t remember the last time I had a rabies shot! I could be rabid right fucking now, people, you shouldn’t want to touch me! Maybe if we all had to wear our vaccination tags like dogs?

  6. When I worked in an ER people would use the pen on the counter to sign the forms- then cough out their spleen politely covering their mothes with that pen gripping hand. They would then try to hand the pen back to you?! We’d tell them that they should just hold on to that pen- it’s now their visit souvenir…

    • I love that — I find it fascinating that people still use the pens and read the magazines at the doctor’s office, and wonder why they come out sicker than they were when they went in! This isn’t the Middle Ages, folks, we know where germs come from!

  7. Hoody, outside is FINE… unless you are doing something that should be done INSIDE. See, people confuse that all the time.

    There are rules:
    1) Is there anything electric? Do you need a plug? This should be done INSIDE.
    2) Are there large animals/livestock involved? GET THAT SHIT OUTSIDE.

  8. I’m currently sick, and rather pissed off about it, because a) I don’t go anywhere to pick up any germs, and 2) I haaaaaaaaaaaaate being sick. People who send their kids to school sick because they don’t want to take leave from work should be guttted like fish. You chose to have the little germ factories, either disinfect them, or keep them at home when they’re ill, because now I have YOUR KIDS’ GERMS infecting MY HOUSE.

    Excuse me, I need to go lysol everything that will sit still.

    • I hate it EVEN WORSE when they bring the little snotbuckets into the office to “visit.” I don’t have kids SPECIFICALLY because I don’t want their germs and stickiness, keep them away from me!

  9. Eww why don’t people have personal boundaries when sick? Even those who are never touchy feely seem to want hugs when they have the plague – it’s crazy!

    • it’s gotta be some kind of instinctual thing — like, if they can get you sick, too, you’ll be weak like them and you won’t be able to take over the tribe while they’re down…

  10. If you’re too sick to sing, you’re too sick to be hanging around normal folks. Deal with it.

    People who have outdoor weddings in places with variable weather = douchebags.

    Also, if you have a sick baby and take it ANYWHERE not absolutely necessary (because sometimes making the grocery run is necessary….for meds if nothing else) then you’re endangering your kid. Your child is not an accessory. Repeat after me: It’s not a purse, it’s a person.

  11. I’m of the opinion that it’s always best to stoke up on as many germs as possible, in order to get some practice. The superflu will kill you someday if you spend too much time sanitizing.

    • I actually stopped using antibacterial soap for that very reason — but I do still use the Purell whenever I enter my house from the disease-riddled outside.

  12. I’m glad that it isn’t just here that people consider outdoor weddings to be stupid. Though, truth be told, October would be the only acceptable month to get married in the outdoors in Wyoming. And then you are just BEGGING to stand at the altar as the first big snowstorm comes in.

    I used to refuse to shake peoples’ hands if I was sick but people were so insistent. Begging to get the crud I was carrying. I even argued – seriously, dude, if I am sick you don’t want the megavirus that made me sick. Because the trade off for being chronically ill is that I DO NOT get sick. This crap will take your lesser immune system DOWN. And yet, they shook.

    So I am the queen of hand sanitizer, for the protection of others, when I get a bug.

  13. If the movie Contagion taught me anything, it’s that tents are filled with almost dying people and even if I don’t eat the roast pig, if I touch anything that anyone who did touched, I’m still screwed. So if anyone at that wedding threw birdseed or something, we’re all goners in a couple weeks.

  14. So much comment genius, so little time!!!

    Children should not be allowed anywhere there are adult beverages being served. period. I want to get my drink on, wallow in other people’s superior fashion/dancing skills and not have to look at their crotch fruit at the same time.

    I work for an employer that has the attitude “you should just be at work”. Oh, pardon me if my fever of 101 is inconvenient for you, but I thought it prudent to stay home, get some rest and die alone instead of taking the rest of you (including whichever bitch with curtain crawlers who infected my shit) with me. That’s just the polite thing.

    • yeah, that whole “here’s some sick days, but damn you for using them” thing is bullshit — most likely one of them bastards GOT me sick, so why stay for the next plague?

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